Planting a Seed

By nature I am a goal-oriented person. I like to have an idea of where I am going, or what I'm working towards. I used to plan every step of the way to get to my goal, but have learned to let that part go a bit so that inspiration, the Invisible forces of creation, can play their part as well. Interestingly, I've found letting go of the need to control the details to be much easier than dealing with the disappointment of not reaching my goal. 

I have so many examples to point to, but there is one that stands out because of the deep impact it had on my life. Without getting into the details, it was in an environment where new ideas were not welcome. The director had her way of doing things, while the group that I was a part of, presented an alternative vision. Even though our ideas were welcomed by our common constituents, we were seen as a threat and our efforts sabotaged. As the situation deteriorated, so did my emotional and spiritual well-being. I tried all the techniques I knew to bring me back to balance - forgiveness, visualization, empathy, only focusing on positives, prayer, meditation. I threw everything at it! Ho'oponopono probably brought me the greatest sense of relief - until the next round of attacks.   

When we started looking at other schools, other cities, other countries to go to, I began to feel liberated. A weight began to lift when I realized that I don't have to do this any more, that I am FREE to dedicate my energy only to activities that uplift me, not drain me. I don't know why, but it was all such a revelation at the time. I also felt guilty, as if I was somehow running away from the fight.

I have come to understand, however, that it is not always about achieving the vision or end-result that you have. Often, it is about planting a seed, leaving behind an idea that needs its time to flourish. There is a certain energy associated with planting new ideas, and quite another in nurturing them, sustaining them and making them real. It was liberating for me to understand that I don't have to do all these tasks, but that I do need to know when to walk away.

I used to think that I was a failure if I didn't achieve what I set out to do. Now, I see that every thing has its time. No matter how much I will it or envision it, I can't force the seed to grow any faster. It has its natural course; but the seed will eventually bear its fruit. 

I can now also look at that experience as a great gift in my life for many reasons, the most important being that it helped me see aspects of myself that I had not yet realized needed healing. I refused to see elements of that director in me - I would NEVER behave in that way, I argued over and again. When I was finally able to admit that yes, I have behaved in that way, I was able to forgive and heal myself. I was able to embrace the director in me. And with that, both the director and I were free.