I’d like to start this entry by saying THANK YOU for sharing your reflections on “my dilemma”. My Spanish readers can click on the Comments section below the entry to read some of these comments directly.
The stories came from men and women, parents with school-age children, one whose children had left home, and several with no children.
The overwhelming message from all of you was “tranquila”, one of my favourite Spanish expressions meaning “Relax”. All will be well. From Melele who has raised three confident, independent women came the comment that what I see in her daughters is the result of both her wise decisions and mistakes along the way; that each and every one of those acts bore fruits of love because love was always her intention for them; and when love is the intention, nothing can turn out badly. Words to live by, and that brought me a lot of comfort. Thank you Melele.
Lesley used the analogy of swimming. When they’re learning to swim, children are always in the company of an adult. As they get more confident, we let them swim farther away but always keeping any eye on them. We teach them water safety, how to respect the water without fearing it; until they are finally able to swim alone. David used the analogy of children climbing a tall play structure for the first time to demonstrate the same thing. We want to teach awareness but not fear.
Or as Ana would say, quoting an Arab proverb – believe in Allah but tie up your camel.
It’s like being between two worlds, adds Alberto, where you are trying to live the vision of the world you wish to have, but occasionally still fall back into your old ways, into your fears. Until you can live with certainty your new vision of the world, tie up your camel!
How can I teach awareness without fear? I liked Consuelo’s suggestion of developing Sylvana’s intuition, which will allow her to better discern situations that make her uncomfortable. Asking Sylvana for example - how does this person make you feel? How do you feel in this situation? Get her to trust in those feelings that we all get and too often dismiss. I had shut down that part of myself my entire life and have had to re-learn how to trust those instincts just as strongly, if not more so, than my mind. So that is something I will definitely work on with Sylvana.
Lucia expanded on that, adding that I must be conscious not to create fears in Sylvana that don’t exist. I hadn’t thought of it that way; that I wasn’t responding to Sylvana’s fears, but projecting my fears onto her. That really helped me shift the focus because those fears are mine to resolve and make peace with - not hers. This was a big learning for me, so thank you Lucia!
I’m not sure where these fears for Sylvana’s safety stem from. I need to reflect more deeply on that, and how to best heal them. I’ve worked with many techniques over the years, and will be sure to share with you the ones that most help me in this situation.
Part of my inner work includes continually reminding myself, and passing on to Sylvana, my belief that people are intrinsically good – and I do believe that, although at times I waffle (an example of my being between two worlds!). People may do things we don’t like or agree with for many reasons - out of ignorance, fear, even mental illness. Thank you Victoria for that reminder. But people are not intrinsically evil – misguided perhaps, unable to envision or imagine grander possibilities for themselves, making poor choices. They live in darkness, which by definition, is the absence of light. But they are still light. I’m not saying I wish to engage those living in darkness, although I have, and know how hard it is to maintain your light in their presence.
I end this entry with the reflection from Tina that we teach through our example, not our words. I couldn’t agree more. And so as I can continue unmasking my fears and healing them, I invite you to do the same. Can you imagine the gift we would be offering our children if we were to succeed in breaking the cycle of fear and showing them parents at peace with themselves and the world they live in?
As always, I welcome your thoughts. You can click on the Comments button below or send me an email.